Pregnant Guys

First off, don’t ever say “We’re pregnant,” cause you’re not. She’s pregnant, and she can say “We’re pregnant” all she wants. And the only time you can bend this rule is if she tells you to say “We’re pregnant,” but even then, you’re still not.

Now I know all the Lamas classes and heavy breathing you’ve been doing have been trying to create the illusion of unity here [breathes] (“I’m not feeling it.”) But she’s the one doing the real work. You need to be a man and you need to respect that.

So now that your wife’s expecting what can you expect? Well if you listen to Hollywood there’ll be bizarre cravings and an emotional outburst ending in a scream fest at the hospital where you’ll get blamed for everything while recording the entire thing on your camcorder. Ya, I guess that could happen, but probably not. Here’s what to expect: Change. And there’ll be lots of it. This means you need to be stable; from raging hormones to expanding waistlines. Everything in her world is turning upside down. You have two choices here: you can put on sympathy weight, or you can be the man your mom hoped you would be and support her. (“Now, what exactly am I supposed to support?”) You’re supporting her emotionally here, not physically. And when she mentions her doctor visits to you, “Honey, I’ve got an appointment at 3:30 this Wednesday,” that means you’re invited. No this is not like a visit to her gynecologist. Try to go. Believe me, if she didn’t want you there, she wouldn’t be telling you about the appointment. If work and other commitments get in the way, try to be there at least for the two big ones: that’s the first heart beat and the ultrasound.

There’s a book called What to Expect When You’re Expecting. It’s usually a book considered for women. There is, however, a section at the end on emergency delivery. Please read it. I know plenty of people that didn’t make it to the hospital on time. (“What do you mean the baby’s coming now? We have like five more minutes until we get to the hospital. And he’s not due for another three days?!”) If the baby shows up unannounced, you just became the doctor. It’s your responsibility and it’s go time. You’re the man. Pray it never comes to that [Clasps hands together and prays].

When the magical day finally comes and you’re there at the hospital, realize you’re there to support her; hold her hand and stay close. You’ll feel like a fifth wheel, but you’re the only person in the room she really cares about.

That brings us to another point: the list of invitees is her decision. If she wants her mom there, that’s fine, but don’t insist that yours be there as well. My advice is to just have it be the two of you, if possible. It will strengthen your relationship and your family.

Well that about wraps it up. Good luck with the new baby. And try to get all the sleep you can…before it comes.

Your life will never be the same again. I meant that in a good way.

Transcribed by: J. Cooper

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