The 2008 Voters Guide

What You Ought To Know special edition. It’s the 2008 voters guide. It was now or never. I mean if we’re gonna make fun of these people we have a limited window.

First, let’s meet the candidates.

In the right corner we have the Republican party weighing in at 152.8 million dollars. There’s the Mormon guy, the Baptist that hates him, the guy in the wrong party, the guy that doesn’t know what party he’s in and Ross Pero.

Leaning in for the left at a hefty 204 million we’ve got the angry white woman, the black president she’s not married to, the man crying for peace in this two Americas, the man just crying about peace and the old guy.

Now I don’t need to tell you that the political system is really screwed up. But part of what I hate about any election, espeicially presidental elections, is the two party system.

Here’s the deal. Whatever the elephants stand for the donkeys are dead set against and vice versa. And they both seem to be getting more and more extreme. I’ve got to say on a lot of issues I don’t agree with either of them. Just because your rival is for something doesn’t mean you have to be violently against it. What is this people? High school football? But why can’t a party be free not to care?, or be undecided, or say hey, let’s deal with these more pressing issues and then come back to this one and find out what the people we’re representing want us to do.

I’m living in a dream world.

The way it is now I get stuck with two choices. And because they’re really the only two significant parties I have to choose the lesser of two evils. ‘Cause you know I’m going to vote.

But I have to vote Democrate or Republican because without a strong third party voting for anyone else is kind of a wasted vote. I really wish I could vote for someone else. Anyone.

Third parties are not only a wasted vote, but I wouldn’t throw my vote there anyway ’cause they’re all even more extreme then the two big ones. I’m going to stay un-affiliated until someone starts that moderate, we’re tired of all the stupidity, middle of the road, party I’ve been wating for. Sigh.

We spend all this time in the primaries tring to pick a candidate that matches our ideals, but nobody makes it to the presidental race without changing their tune to the beat of the party drum. Am I right Giuliani?

How am I going to vote in the primary? It doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t count. I don’t belong to any political party. The upside to floating free from any political affilation is I get to make fun of both sides equally. And there is a lot of material let me tell you. I also get to give out lots and lots of free advice.

So listen up politicos! You guys don’t need to raise millions and hire consultants and focus groups to find out what to do ’cause I’ll tell you right now.

Republicans, fund the green party. Split the vote. Nader did it for you and you didn’t have to pay him a dime. And it’s especially critical you do it this year. ‘Cause you know Ross Per… Ron Paul is going to split your vote. ‘Cause that man is never gonna give up. He’s like the little libertarian that could. Up the hill, to the house, up the hill to the house.

Democrats, no, Hillary and Obama. Stop the cat fight. You know one of you is going to win the primary so make a special back room deal that the loser gets to be vice president and try again in 4-8 years with better odds as an incumbent. Come on, do I have to spell it out for you?

And to you the loyal viewer. If you thought this was going to be a voting guide… I’m sorry. You probably already knew whether you were going to vote red or blue anyway. Not that it matters ’cause your vote doesn’t really count. You are familiar with the electoral college right?

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