Ultimate Power

So, I had a free afternoon the other day, and I thought maybe I’ll sit down and try and figure out how to get ultimate power. This is what I came up with.

The hard part about getting ultimate power is ultimate power corrupts absolutely; something corrupt is defined as “in a state of decay, rotten or putrid.” Now that sounds stinky, and I don’t want absolute power to be stinky – that would be bad. So we’ll try and work around through another association. Money is power, but this just seems to compound our problem; I’m sure you’ve heard that the love of money is the root of all evil. And because we’d love to have absolute power, that might rub off on the money, with disastrous results. Evil money!

Now, if it were just some evil, we might get away with it, but because it’s all evil, that could include bad things happening to us. That’s no good. My teacher used to tell me that knowledge is power, too. Now, if that’s true, it explains why high school is evil, and why college costs so much. That made me think about how we’re forced to spend so much time in school, and then I realized: time is money. Just think about it: the very fact that we’re spending time in school fuels the giant engine of evil. It’s like we’re pumping hundreds of thousands of dollars a day into the system just by sitting there. You are contributing; when you participate in class, you’re participating with evil. Contributing to evil.

So if time is really equal to money, doesn’t that mean the time my roommate spent listening to music illegally downloaded is equivalent to or more than the price of the music itself? Just kidding. I know the record industry lawyers that enforce the copyright cost more money than my neighbor’s seen in his lifetime, and wasting their time costs a lot of money, so it’s probably worth it just buying the music and not wasting your time. Or theirs. And wasting time is a lot like wasting money. Which is a lot like wasting time. Which is a lot like wasting money.

Instead, we’re taught by mom and dad to spend our time wisely. The key word here is “wisely,” and the problem is, you can’t just get wisdom. You need to earn it through experience. That means the more experiences you have spending money, the wiser you become. While this may explain the state of our economy, it has a flaw to it as well, because a fool and his money are easily parted.

If you’re watching today’s show, you already blew it. You owe yourself like fifty bucks. Let’s try to be smart about this, because smart people avoid foolish mistakes, but we can’t be too smart about it, because if we only try and avoid our mistakes, we’ll avoid the experiences that bring wisdom, and without wisdom, we won’t know how to effectively use the knowledge we’ve gained. And that means no power. [Sighs] Back to square one.

Physics tells us that power is work divided by time, so in order to have ultimate or infinite power, we need to either have no time, or infinite work to get it. Infinite work? I am way too lazy for that. But technically something divided by nothing isn’t infinite, it’s undefined. But maybe the mathematicians know that it’s infinite, and they just don’t want you to know that it is, so that they can get ultimate power. So you have to do some amount of work in basically no time, but no time makes it sound like you’re dead, so maybe you have to die to get ultimate power. And I am definitely gonna rethink that before I try it out.

It was at this point that I realized I could never get ultimate power all by myself. I just don’t know how it works well enough to figure it out. Then I thought, “Hey, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. I just have to know someone with ultimate power, and then suck up to ‘em to get ‘em to share.” But that’s not ultimate power, either, because it’s shared, and it can’t be ultimate if someone else has an equal portion of it. So I guess I’m stuck until I know more. Drop us a line if you figure it out. What about penultimate power? Maybe I could get that. What do you think, ghost?

Transcribed by: Justin G.

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