Blood Suckers

Some people attract attention, some attract criticism, and others just attract bugs – little blood-sucking bugs. It’s true, and it’s not necessarily your fault – some people just smell sweeter to mosquitos than others.

[Sniffs deeply] Ahhh! You smell tasty!

And I’ve read some beauty products out there actually make you more appealing to mosquitos. It’s like ‘oil of monjey’ [bites]

What can you do? Well you can cover every inch of your body with clothing, or your can bathe in harsh chemicals. N,N-diethylmetatoluamide, commonly known as DEET, is one of the strongest and most widely available bug-repellents on the market. But if you’ve ever slathered on anything that has high concentrations of DEET, you know how it feels on your skin… really dry, and really toxic.

It’s like a ‘scorched earth’ policy. I can let those little pests eat me alive or I can my skin like a poisonous wasteland… of course I’ve got to live in the poisonous wasteland.

But DEET’s not your only option. I was reading in Backpacker magazine a little while ago and saw an alternative, all-natural, bug repellent. It’s made from lemon eucalyptus oil, and according to reviews its just as effective as low concentrations of DEET. Its also supposed to smell and feel a whole lot better on your skin. So you can smell ‘lemony’ instead of ‘chemically’

But just because its all-natural, it doesn’t mean you should go rolling around in it or rubbing it in your eyes or eating it. There are a lot of ‘all-natural’ things that are ‘all naturally dangerous.’ Like eating those wild mushrooms you found out back of your house… not a good idea.

And lemon eucalyptus is one of them. Like most bug repellents, you’re not supposed to put it on more than twice a day. And lemon eucalyptus, just like DEET, shouldn’t be used on small children, especially not on their hands where they’re likely to stick it in their mouth.

It works on more than just mosquitos though. It repels ticks and flies…and people who don’t like lemons…or…eucalyptus. Depending on the study, I’ve seen lemon eucalyptus rated slightly and slightly lower than 25% DEET. And 100% DEET isn’t much better protection than 50%.

Of course, you might think all this bug-repellant stuff is…well…not very useful.

You might want to use the ‘red-neck’ approach. Stretch the skin right around the mosquito and they can’t remove their probiscus. They sit there and they don’t have a shut-off valve, so they suck and suck and suck your blood until they…explode. Well… burst.

Anyway, there’s no mosquito left… it’s just pieces of mosquito. And blood… lots of blood.

The down side is you get a HUGE mosquito bite, and a chance to pick up whatever disease the little lady may be carrying. Every mosquito that’s ever bitten you, or anybody else, is female – and, no, I’m not going to make a joke about that.

Her first drink of blood kicks off the process of making protein for eggs, but they need to keep drinking blood in order to keep that process going – which is why they’re so good at spreading disease. You know, because whatever that guy over there has, now you’ve got it, and whatever the cow had over there, now he’s got it… and everybody gets everybody elses diseases.

So get some lemon eucalyptus oil and keep your blood to yourself – I don’t want any of yours and I think you don’t want any of mine… ’cause my diseases are mine.

Transcribed by: Ian

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