The Admit Stamp

My friend, Laura, is really into stamping – like getting little stamps and putting stamp marks all over things. You know, letters, papers, legal documents. It’s like scrap booking, but you can stamp anything, like billboards and cars and the sides of buildings. Apparently the government like stamping too. There’s this little thing called the ‘Admit’ stamp. You know when you leave the zoo and they stamp your hand so you can come back again? Well it’s kind of like that, except this stamp lets you into the country.

Welcome to the United States of America – enjoy your visit ‘STAMP’ as a citizen.

What?! A stamp that makes someone a citizen?! Are you crazy?! Yes!

No!

I’m not sure how to answer that, but here’s a true story we got from a US Immigration Officer – we’ve got friends on the inside…

There was a man who sought asylum in the United States, claiming to be fearful for his life. He filled out all the paperwork and was issued a travel document as a refugee – and that meant he could move in and out of the US at will. It didn’t take long for Immigration to figure out that he lied on his application. In fact he visited the country he said he was marked for death.

Not too bright… but I’ve visited countries where I’m marked for death…

The judge was about to deport him when his lawyer stopped everyone in their tracks. Apparently a careless immigration officer had mistakenly stamped his travel document with the ‘Admit’ stamp. That meant that he’d been legally admitted into the United States. Case dismissed.

He even got a green card… wow, I need one of those stamps.

Free green cards for everybody who watches this show … whether you live here or not.

It’s just a little more powerful than that zoo stamp, and it probably has an eagle on it instead of a hippo or a lion. And according to the immigration naturalisation act, the ‘admit’ stamp not only has the power to let people in and out of the country at will, it can make someone a naturalised citizen.

Welcome to America, my friends…

An immigration agent finds an abandoned child under 5-years old at the border? BAM! Citizen! Even if they speak Spanish… or French.

All you Canadians leaving your kids at our border – shameful.

I want a little French baby… really? Oui!

A woman with a visa shows a child under two? BAM! Legal Alien.

If the woman’s a citizen and can prove she went to school here until she was 18… BAM! Her kids get stamped… [puck puck puck] all of them! They get to choose, the forehead or the paperwork – but they get a stamp… not with a hippo.

Had a child out of wedlock with a citizen? Bring proof, like a DNA test – BAM! Welcome to the United Stamps of America.

And those are just the rules for making kids citizens. There are all kinds of rules for making adults citizens too. And all you need is an ‘admit’ stamp… and the proper paperwork, and a border agent, and… maybe a couple of other things.

But the stamp is very useful.

It sure is a good thing they’re keeping tabs on these things, right?

Well, sort of.

You see, our friend in immigration told us he’s looking for a new job. When Homeland Security was instituted by President Bush, customs took over control of immigration and it seems like the beuracracy’s made things… messy. Really messy.

Messy, how so? It’s not like there are a lot of these things floating around, right? Wrong! Every immigration officer in the United States has one, and now a lot of untrained customs and border protection officers have them too.

What do I do with this thing? [STAMP] Ooohh! ‘Welcome to America’.

Immigration’s a really big issue. Instead of fighting over fences, maybe we should look at the beuracracies that manage it. I’ve never even heard of the ‘Admit’ stamp before now, but they’re out there, and we thought you ought to know.

Yep! Like I said, you’re all in! This is easier than printing money.

Transcribed by: Ian

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