So Sue Me

A few weeks ago I got an invitation to a class action lawsuit. No, they’re not suing me; they want me to help them to sue somebody else.

These things are like the modern day Robin Hood; they take from the rich and they give back to the poor. {“Whee, doing” sounds as Brett shoots and “arrow”} Well, they give back to me. I guess that’s kind of the same thing.

I get this kind of stuff a lot. I guess big corporations do me wrong. Fairly frequently. Of course they do, every day. These little notices only come when somebody gets caught… And when someone decides to sue ‘em over it.

So the King’s taken your money. Sign here, sign here, and initial here. We’ll bring it all back.

It’s kinda like a little legal notice saying ‘Hey, free stuff here.’

Ooh, what can I get? A seventy dollar voucher or thirty dollars cash… And all I have to do is fill out this little card; it doesn’t even need a stamp.

Now normally when people are faced with the choice between free stuff, like legally obtained free stuff, and no stuff at all, it’s a no brainer. Where do I sign?

But I don’t even really know what they’re being sued for; all I know is I bought something from ‘em within an appropriate window, so now I can swing out of the trees and sue ‘em, too.

Hah-haw!!!

But hold on a minute, let’s think this through. The law firm that sent you that notice isn’t doing it to be nice or to make the world a more equitable place. They’re doing it for the money. All about the money.

And my inquisitive brain wonders, ‘How much money?’ Money!

Well it has a website on here. Let’s look it up. Reading the fine print, I find that the terms of the settlement are as follows:
The defendant has to pay the attorneys up to %4,000,000 and court fees up to $225,000.

Man, that is a lot of legal dough for the legal help. So the rest of it must be going to the people that they wronged, like me, right? Wrong again.

The legal guys get $5,000 per person involved in the suit, that means for every one of me, they’re pulling down at least $4,970, and that’s above and beyond the 4.2 million I mentioned before.

I knew I should have been a lawyer.

While slapping the company with huge punitive damages will probably keep ‘em from misbehaving in the future, it’s also likely to raise prices and maybe even put ‘em out of business.

It’s a good thing I’ll have that $70 voucher. I’d better use it quick. This is one of the few times I’m gonna say free stuff is probably ‘no bueno’.

What? No free stuff?

Nope, not this time.

I think we need a better way to punish the people in corporations who do us wrong. It’s a far cry from rob from the rich to give to back to the poor. It’s more like Rob from the rich and give it all to the lawyers.

Yeah, we have a court order for all the King’s gold. We’re just taking it back to the people. Yeah, well, a percentage. It’s operational costs, ya know, little John’s gotta eat.

Transcribed by: RandomGuy

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