Bike Pain

The first truly modern bicycle was invented by a Scotsman. [In Scottish accent:] Everytheen worth a hooey’s invented by a Scotsman!

And the pneumatic tire, also invented by a Scotsman.

You hate riding bicycles, don’t you? You just have that look, the look like you’ve been straddling one of those tiny split-seaters way too long. [In Scottish accent:] That’ll chafe ya. It makes most people cranky.

We’ll help you out with that. [Exhale-in-short-sporadic-breaths kind of laughing]

Part of the problem is you may be riding the wrong bike. When you buy a bike from a big box store, they have measurements like 16-inch kid’s bike or 26-inch adult bike, but that’s not gonna help you much cause that’s the size of the wheel.

Bike frames actually come in different sizes, just like people do, and the right way to measure a bike goes like this: Start at the bottom bracket, near where the pedals go into the gears, and measure up the frame to where the seat goes in. 17 inches is a medium size, and 21 inches is extra large.

Yeah, a 26-inch bike, you’d better be playing in the NBA, cause that’s a giant bike. [In Scottish accent:] We’re talking huge!

Most chain stores only carry 17-inch and 19-inch adult sizes, so if you don’t have a one size fits all body, you might be too big or too small for those bikes.

When you try out the bike, try this: Get on and fully extend your leg with your foot on the pedal. Don’t point your foot, just keep it straight, and then adjust the seat until you have an inch of room.

When it’s properly positioned, you don’t need to work nearly as hard to pedal, and you can avoid using hitting your chin with your knees, too!

[In Scottish accent:] I don’t care about the frame, I care about the part that touches my seat.

I know, you just want to know how to avoid that wedgie, but we’ll get to that later. [In Scottish accent:] The wedgie, comes from golf. We invented that, too.

Another big consideration is the type of bike. There are road bikes and mountain bikes and comfort bikes. And there are a whole lot more, but we’re not gonna talk about any of those.

Road bikes are designed to get you to lean way over and get you to tuck in your body. They’re built for speed and they want to make you as aerodynamic as possible. And it’s probably going to hurt your lower back if you’re not used to it. [In Scottish accent:] That’s no joke; I’ve busted my rear quarters.

Mountain bikes have a wide grip so you can use your arms as shock absorbers. The handlebars are also low to keep you leaning forward. And the pain comes from the leaning. Well, some of the pain. The rest comes from your bottom.

Cause when you add a hard piece of plastic and the force of gravity thrusting down on your back end, that’s a recipe for uncomfort… discomfort… and wedgies. [In Scottish accent:] That’s how we split logs after the caber toss. [Weight lifting grunts/sounds with actions of a caber toss]

But I say no, buy a big, fat, padded seat.

Comfort bikes bring the handlebars up so you’re in more of an upright position, hence the name comfort. And they tend to have softer seats, hence the name comfort. [In Scottish accent:] Ohhh… Riding that comfort bike? You’re a sissy.

Go to a bike shop where they have a good selection of bikes in stock. Sit on ‘em, ride ‘em around, ya know, figure out what frame size works best for you.

Try before you buy. Especially the seat.

[In Scottish accent:] Bah! This can’t be a girl’s bike! It’s made for someone wearing a kilt!

Transcribed by: RandomGuy

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