Playing Doctor

Maybe you have insurance, maybe you dont, either way, we have something pretty important for you.

Someday when were feeling brave, maybe well try to tackle the larger issues of health care and the socio-political arena, but today were gonna talk about one of the small things: you.

Heres the deal, if you start to hurt, and youre not exactly sure whats gone wrong, your first impulse may be to pony up the dough, and run off to see the doctor. It turns out that theres a vast amount of reliable medical knowledge available to you on the Internet, for free!

Oh yeah, we like free… cause Im cheap like that.

Besides, nine times out of ten, when I go to the doctor, he turns to me and says: Well, lets just see how that develops. Which is another way of saying: Lets have you help pay for my Beamer

[Writing on a clip board, with voice over] Its not actually my lobe

Mhm [nods and writes]

Its kind of behind the lobe. Mhm [nods and writes] And it only hurts when I turn my head and cough. Lets just see how this develops.

Okay, thats unfair; I know not all doctors are in it for the money… I wouldve been a doctor, if it werent for all those sick people… Yeah… but I probably wouldve been in it for the money…

But you have to ask yourself: do you really need a doctor? I mean, especially for the little stuff. If you can figure out whats wrong with you, why not cut out the middleman?

No, its too risky because if you go to the doctor, they might scan you and they might find cancer and you might die if you didnt go to the doctor! Yes, you only sprained your ankle, but it could be fatal.

There are a surprising number of home remedies that are just as good as what the doctor would tell you to do… probably because they come from a book written by doctors.

Doctors write books? Whats next? Plumbers on stage?

[Holding a toilet brush] Thou dost brush, but not my teeth.

One of my favorite books is called The Doctors Book of Home Remedies. You can pick one up cheap at a thrift store, or online; you could even read it for free at mothernature.com. Now, if your placebo alarms are already going off, cause the sites called mothernature.com, relax. This book comes highly recommended by medical experts like… me and… him [Points to Camera Guy] and… people who wrote it, who are doctors.

Doctors that obviously dont care about making any money because they wrote all their doctoring secrets in an easy-to-read book. That was a waste of eight years in medical school…

I guess I can see why youd write a book, though. You can still make a little money and you wouldnt have to be around sick people.

For those of you who still think weve gone off the deep-end, when we talk about self-diagnosis, were not talking about figuring out whether or not you need surgery. Its more like: I have an earache and Id like it to go away without a four-hour wait at the office and another two-hour wait at the pharmacy. That seems reasonable to me.

Lots of medicine is a lot like what youd do for a broken toe. You tape it up, and you let it heal. There are plenty of simple solutions you could try first, and theyre not weird, homeopathic, rub-special-herbs-on-your-foot-to-kill-gingivitis kind of cures.

The book weve mentioned is great if you know what your problem actually is. If youre trying to self-diagnose, and youre not sure what your problem is, try going to webmd.com and typing in your symptoms.

More often than not, itll tell you what your problem is, and even if it doesnt, itll narrow it down to a few different things, so youll at least know what youre talking about when you go see your doctor.

Now if youre coughing up blood, or you cant breathe, or you really cant figure out whats wrong with you, then you have my permission to go see a doctor… Wuss.

[Laughs]

But seriously, before you go to the doctor, get online. See if you can figure it out. Its like a mystery.

I dont know what else to say.

Doctors are your friends. Not evil, greedy extortionists in a broken health care system designed to suck you dry.

Transcribed by: Victoria G.

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